I’m not okay today. I’m sitting here in the lab eyeballing the nurse as he comes toward me with a needle ready to jab my arm for a blood sample. Just the thought of having my blood drawn makes me pass out. Every person in this world who knows me understands this is part of my Kellie silliness. They also know the countless stories I can share regarding all my past experiences.
There was the time I lost consciousness and knocked out a basketball size hole doctor’s office wall. One time, I passed out in the hallway of the medical center smearing makeup all over the front desk as I came crashing down to the floor. The worst time was when I was nine months pregnant, in for the last blood draw. Just as I was warning the nurse about my previous incidents, I felt the nausea rising and slowly and slid from the chair to the floor barfing on my poor husband and nurse all the way down.
Usually, it makes me giggle and question God as to why he saw fit to make me so goofy.
Today…….. it’s not funny.
I’m here for my two year post donation follow up. Its that last one. My brother needed a kidney so I shared with no thought required.
This should be a day of joy, celebration, and praise to the Lord for a successful surgery. We should be coordinating our appointments in order to meet up for lunch afterward. Instead, he’s in heaven smiling down, talking to God or doing whatever it is anyone does up there while I’m down here impatiently waiting to see him once more.
I’m not okay.
I’m broken.
The past decade has been filled with so much hurt and sorrow. The loss of my father and my brother has flipped my world upside down, inside out and all the way around. My heart has officially been shattered into a million pieces. I thought that over time all things would come together again. It is an impossible expectation.
I’m not okay.
I’m confused.
I followed through with my part of God’s plan. The donation worked!!!! The fact that my brother passed in his sleep just a few months later makes this so confusing. Where are our future Christmas parties? Birthdays? Why are my sister-in law and my nephew alone now? Wasn’t the whole point to protect them from this? Wasn’t the the donation supposed to make all things perfect again?
I’m not okay.
I’m angry.
Today, I stare at this wall wishing I could punch a hole in it. Now THAT would definitely be a sight worth laughing at because all it would accomplish is…. well…. nothing.
This just doesn’t seem fair!!! My Mom is gone, my Dad is gone and now my Brother. There is no one in my family unit to turn to at this point in time.
My children know where each of them are buried. Their naive little toes dance over each tombstones as they skip across the row saying, ‘ There’s Grandma, Grandpa and Uncle Moochie”
My children will only know what I think to tell them about our family. My precious loved ones……. How on earth does that seem fair?
I’m not okay.
I’m completely alone.
And………. that’s where I’ll have to draw the line on this pity party.
It’s okay to admit I am not okay but I am certainly NOT alone.
My God uses his mighty hands to collect each and every tear I have shed. He will not miss a single drop. Jesus walks by my side daily and gathers the shattered pieces of my heart. He examines each cracked edge carefully and holds them close to his heart in order to prevent further damage. My soul is so close to my Lord and Savior that I can’t help but feel his presence.
Every minute
Every second
Every day.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow – not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. Romans 8:38
If you are not okay today, that’s okay!
Know that you are never alone. There is no where you can run to escape God’s precious love.
Praying for all my fellow broken hearted until we meet again.
